For stepmothers across the country, dealing with the exwife is one of the most challenging aspects of the new marriage. Often there is immediate antagonism, even if the two have never met and the first marriage has been over for a long time.
Especially if an affair between you and your new mate led to the breakup of the first marriage, you could be in for a war with the ex that could play out for decades, often at the expense of the children. On the flip side, some biological moms and stepmoms get along famously.
Darcy married Jud in 1999. At the time he had two children, ages 7 and 11, from his previous marriage. Darcy hit it off so well with her husband’s ex that she asked her stepchildren’s mother to be the godmother of the first child she had with her husband.
All of the latest research about children of divorce indicates that when a child gets into a stepfamily, whether a remarriage has taken place or a parent is living with another adult, children exhibit far fewer risky behaviors if the conflict between former spouses and between households is minimal.
So whether you’re buddies with your husband’s ex or not, as a new stepmother in this complex family system, you’ve got to take responsibility for making things run smoothly. Strive for a relationship with your stepchildren’s mother that is calm and respectful, and keep the best interests of the children center stage.
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