Fifteen-year-old Nicole and her stepmother, Kathleen, said they actually do talk honestly about the bio mom’s shortcomings because they are such good friends. Still, with such a strong relationship, they can talk about Mom only to a point.
If this stepdaughter feels that her stepmother is attacking her mother instead of just offering neutral advice, she will come to her mother’s defense every time. Well, wouldn’t you? The Smart Steps class for stepfamilies by Francesca Adler- Baeder, distributed by the National Stepfamily Resource Center, lays down only a few absolute don’ts, but this is on the list, ladies: Don’t bad-mouth the ex.
That goes even if she does something that Judy’s husband’s ex did. “The first thing my stepchildren’s bio mom did after my husband and I were married was to take them to see Cinderella. I decided to graciously assume that was an unconscious intention, but it was inappropriate.” Instead, blow off steam about the ex to your pals or your stepmom support group.
Ask for help brainstorming strategies to deal with her—but keep your frustrations from the kids. By the way, bad-mouthing Mom to your husband can also backfire. If your husband thinks you’re judging him for marrying her in the first place, he might defend his ex to you, and that can put a gap between you and him.
Do talk to your husband about your feelings, but tread carefully. Some things are better left unsaid.
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